Mike Greenwell is a Butthole

“Where’s my MVP? I was clean. If they’re going to start putting asterisks by things, let’s put one by the MVP.”

Mike Greenwell is a butthole. A whiny, bitchy butthole.

Odds are, unless you’ve closely followed baseball over the last 20 years or you’re from Boston, you probably aren’t terribly familiar with Mike Greenwell.

Mike Greenwell was a left fielder for the Boston Red Sox in the late 80’s and 90’s who arrived on the scene with a hell of a lot of hype. Some touted him as the next Carl Yazstremski—high praise from the Boston faithful. When I was growing up, the true test of hype was how much someone’s baseball card was worth at the time.
Greenwell’s 1987 Topps rookie card (the one’s with the really stupid faux wooden border around them) was one of the most valuable in the set when it came out, up there with Mattingly (whose cards were always ridiculously overvalued) and McGwire’s rookie card. Crap, the guy was even a Donruss Diamond King at one time.


Well, it appears that Mike Greenwell is a little upset about the fact that best thing he ever accomplished in his career was finishing 2nd to Canseco in the ’88 MVP voting.
In a classic bitch pile-on maneuver, Greenwell figures since everyone else is taking a shot at Jose, he might as well get his too—even though he’s not even mentioned in Canseco’s book, presumably because when you’re supposed to be the next big fucking thing and you launch 130 homers over 12 years, people tend to a) forget you for being a huge pile of overrated suck and b) not suspect you of ‘roiding up.

You know what dickhat? Maybe you should have stuck your ass in the air and let big Jose shoot you full of muscle juice. Maybe then you wouldn’t have gone from the cover of Beckett Baseball Card Monthly to a rolled up poster in Peter Gammons’ attic faster than Sam Horn did. Are you jealous of Jose’s title as the “Father of Modern Steroid-ridden Baseball Accomplishments?” Ok, here’s your title: “Father of Modern Porn-Stache Wearing Wash Outs.” You’re welcome, fucktard.

And Mike, for the record: Nobody is going to put an asterisk next to anything. Except maybe you in your little, bitter peabrain.

Says Mike:
“I do have a problem with losing the MVP to an admitted steroid user. Every time you renegotiate a contract, if you’re an MVP, you have a different level of bargaining power. But in honesty, I don’t care about the money.”
You don’t care about the money? Um, yes you do, or you wouldn’t have brought it up. What else could it be about for you, since never in your little PMS-fest did you ever allude to the fact that you were maybe pissed because an admitted steroid user’s team was a consistent winner and even won a World Series?
You don’t care about the money. You’re like one of those people who uses a derogatory slur, then justifies it by saying you’re not a racist because “you’ve got lots of black friends.”
At least it’s no secret where Canseco stands. He wanted to cheat to make a crap load of money. You surface from oblivion, bitch about not getting your big payday, backpedal off of it, and for what? Just to get YOUR name in the papers again.
Do the world a favor, Greenwell. Buy a copy of the 2004 Red Sox Championship DVD, pop it in your player and watch it a few thousand times until you can deal with your own personal feelings of inadequacy for not being able to accomplish anything remotely similar in nature or scope.


And P.S: I’ve got about 4 dozen of your worthless rookie cards laying around that I’d be more than happy to send you. If you don’t want them, I’m sure there’s an ass somewhere that needs wiping.

All quotes source: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=1993112