NL East Preview

After the critical acclaim, accolades and Pulitzer Prize nomination garnered by the National League West preview, it’s time to turn our attention to the other coast. Not that anyone on the other coast doesn’t already think we’ve got our attention on them. Eastcentric fuckers.

Once again, in order of last year’s finish:

1. Atlanta Braves 2005 Record 90-72 (769RS, 674RA)

The Breakdown:

The Braves don’t have a closer, or anything really resembling one. Andruw Jones has probably peaked and probably can’t come close to duplicating his career year last year. Leo Mazzone is gone and has been replaced by a guy who’s as likely to give a pitcher a hot foot as polish his slider. They traded for a Colombian shortstop who got his birth certificate from the Dominican Republic.

Seems like every season, there’s a list of similar questions revolving around the Braves in the offseason. And every season, they answer them and win the division. Since the last time the Braves didn’t finish first in the NL East, we’ve seen 3 US Presidents, 2 Gulf Wars and Kelly Taylor anorexic, raped, coked out, nearly burned to death, shot, seen naked by her stepbrother, and saved not-yet-famous Jessica Alba’s baby from being adopted by a couple of gay dudes. So why bet against them?

Well, for starters, they’re damned easy to hate. For a guy my age, the Braves were one of two teams broadcast nationally on cable during the golden age of the “superstations.” They were the self-dubbed “America’s Team.” “America’s Team?” Please. If America had a team, it wouldn’t have human cockroaches like Otis Nixon and Lonnie Smith playing for it. If America had a team, it wouldn’t suck for the entire decade of the 80’s. If America had a team, it wouldn’t wait until 1989 to acquire Oddibe McDowell. And if America had a team, it sure has hell would finish its goddamned games in its allotted broadcast time slot so I could watch NWA Wrestling not “already in progress.”

Just about any team in baseball would trade their top 2 guys in their rotation for John Smoltz and Tim Hudson, but behind them, the rotation and the bullpen are inexperienced. The loss of Leo Mazzone could turn out to be a huge factor or not one at all. But at least National League fans don’t have to watch him convulsing on the dugout bench like Katherine Hepburn with a case of the DT’s anymore.

The core of the lineup is solid if Marcus Giles, Chipper Jones (is there anything more ear grating than listening to Pete Van Wieren nasaly intone “there’s a chopper to Chipper?” Maybe Yoko Ono singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Maybe.) and Andruw Jones are healthy. The corner outfielders are young, but they have some upside. Plus if Langerhans and Francoeur don’t work out, they can always be a European buddy cop show. He’s a no-nonsense tough guy from the mean streets of Munich. He’s a French pastry chef who moonlights as a crime fighter. It’d be like Cagney and Lacey, but less masculine.

The Prognosis:

Bobby Cox and John Schuerholtz have their work cut out for them. The Mets have built a team to win now, but until someone actually finishes ahead of them, I’m sticking with Atlanta to finish first with an identical 90-72 record.


2. Philadelphia Phillies 2005 Record 88-74 (807RS, 726RA)

The Breakdown:

Did anyone outside of Barry Bonds have a worse offseason than the Phillies? I mean you look at Philly’s offseason highlights and it reads like this:

--Hired Stand Pat Gillick to run the team
--Gave Jim Thome away for the good ol’ “defensive centerfielder” and paid a bunch of his salary.
--Couldn’t get anyone to trade for their best player.
--Jimmy Rollins’ didn’t die so his hitting streak isn’t broken.

What does it say about Bobby Abreu that even sabermetricinerd GM’s won’t even touch him? It says he’s about as interested in winning a baseball game as Tom Cruise buying a season pass for the Spice Channel. It says he does a 162-game long Ben Stein impersonation. It says he makes Shawn Green look like Jose Lima by comparison.
But the guy can hit. So can Rollins and Chase Utley. Ryan Howard is having a monster spring and if he carries it over to the regular season and gets over his fear of hitting the ball when it’s thrown from someone’s left hand, the Phils should score a lot of runs.

Phillies Ace Jon Lieber (hee hee, I just like to type that and laugh) fronts a rotation that actually isn’t as bad as it looks when you look at the guys who are in it. They will definitely rack up some innings. And they’re going to have to with Tom Gordon (who’s too old to close) and Arthur Rhodes (who’s too scared to close) being the best arms in a pedestrian bullpen.

Charlie Manuel is a welcome change from redass Larry Bowa and it showed last year when the Phillies managed to stay in contention until the last week of the season since they weren’t plotting the assassination of their manager.

The Prognosis:

It’s going to be a long summer for Phillie Nation. One the positive side, they won’t be anywhere near as horrible as Florida and Washington are going to be. But they won’t be able to run with the Mets or the Braves. So the Fans with the Most Ridiculous Sense of Self-Entitlement in America will do what they always do—take a bronze and bitch that they deserve better. 3rd place, 80-82.

3. New York Mets 2005 Record 83-79 (722RS, 648RA)

The Breakdown:

After last season’s marquee additions of Pedro Martinez and Carlos Beltran, GM Omar Minaya continued his quest to win the hearts and minds of New Yorkers who, for some reason, would rather watch a good baseball team than the Mets. And he’s under the mistaken impression that the entire city and state of New York is as fascinated by Latinos as he is.
He got rid of Mike Cameron for Xavier Nady.
He got rid of Jae Seo for Duaner Sanchez.
He traded Mike Jacobs and a bunch of currency with white people on it for Carlos Delgado.
He gave 47 year-old (and that’s what he’s admitting to!) Julio Franco a 2 year contract.
He agreed to employ tit-on-a-bull-useless Jose Valentin.
He got David Wright to change his last name to Rrrright.
He traded for Paul Lo Duca thinking “Lo Duca” was just Spanish for “The Duck” or something, not realizing he’s a 4 foot Italian dude from Brooklyn.
He lets Jose Reyes play an entire season and he only gets to first base about as often as I did in high school.
He got Billy Wagner because he needed a closer and hey, everyone needs a Scott Hastings type at the end of their bench.
I give it about 6 more weeks before Omar, Cesar Chavez, Vicente Fox and Fernando Valenzuela get in a black van, drive to Fenway Park and forcibly abduct Manny Ramirez from Boston.

Omar may get a little stick for the complexion of his roster, but the guy has put together a pretty good team on paper and one that’s got enough names and personalities to get people to tune into the Mets new TV station, ¡WNYM!.
Beltran is due for a much better year, one year removed from the pressure of signing a contract that Jon Koncak thinks is ridiculous. Rumor has it he’ll be able to afford Uncle Buck’s rat to gnaw the giant mole off the side of his face.
You can write down Delgado’s 30/100 in permanent ink and David Rrrright is poised to jump into the realm of superstardom. Hopefully Mets fans will get to see it before Omar trades him for a pack of tortillas and the Taco Bell Chihuahua. When healthy, Cliff Floyd can be one of the more underrated outfielders in the league. The Mets should definitely put some runs on the board.

Pedro Martinez’ ingrown toenail is a potential disaster for a rotation without a lot of depth. At times, Tom Glavine seems to be hanging around just to pad his win total. He only struck out 105 guys in 211 innings last year. And though he’s never been a huge strikeout guy, unless he starts throwing a knuckler, you wonder how much longer he can keep getting guys out. Much like LA somehow signed the wrong Guerrero (older brother Wilton instead of Vladimir), the Mets ended up with the wrong Zambrano. The good one is dealing at Wrigley Field. Steve Trachsel is so old, I have clear memories of Harry Carey slurring his name.
Billy Wagner is huge at the end and should pick up plenty of saves in 7-5 and 9-6 ballgames. Duaner Sanchez is underrated and will be a solid, if not spectacular setup man.

The Prognosis:

The Mets are built to win in a very small window. If this is the year someone ends Atlanta’s strangle hold on the division title, this could be it. Instead, I give the Mets a second place finish via tiebreaker and the NL Wild Card at 90-72. And if the Mets do somehow win the World Series, the victory parade will have to wait. Until Cinco de Mayo, 2007.


4. Florida Marlins 2005 Record 83-79 (717RS, 732RA)

The Breakdown:

Well, what would a Marlins preview be without a fire sale? The guys that coined the phrase in the 90’s brought some serious lighter fluid and kindling this year. They killed, gutted and violated the corpse of a pretty decent team. All in the name of holding Miami hostage so they can get a new stadium or move somewhere else and get one. I’m not going to debate whether the tactic is right or wrong, because in all honesty, it makes good business sense. There isn’t a lot of revenue flowing through the Fish so it’s kind of hard to pay good players without losing your ass every year.

Gone are….everybody. Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera are left. They’re trying to sign those two to long term deals, but if you’re either, why would you? If they perform anywhere near their capabilities, they’ll either clean up in arbitration or have enough leverage to sign good dollar 1 or 2 year deals until they can become free agents and go play for a good franchise.

I guess the good news for the Marlins is that they picked up some decent prospects for all the major leaguers they dealt and they’ll get to see if they’re any good sooner rather than later. The bad news is that nobody’s heard of any of the dudes they’re going to be trotting out.

I mean, if the opportunity of watching the development of guys like Jacob Michaels, Wes Kinkade, Miguel Aguila, Chris Stokes, and Alfredo Uggla doesn’t put a little spring into your step as you head over to Dolphins Stadium for another mid-summer rain delay, what’s gonna?

The Prognosis:

I’d predict any Triple-A team that played a whole season in the bigs to finish dead last. So that’s where the Marlins will be: 70-92.


5. Washington Nationals 2005 Record 81-81 (639RS, 673RA)

The Breakdown:

Frank Robinson is a bad mother fucker. The guy was a 13 time All-Star, MVP in both leagues, the Rookie of the Year, won a Triple Crown, only 57 hits shy of 3,000, 4th on the all-time HR list when he retired and the big leagues’ first minority manager. Last year, 70 year old FR, upset that Angels’ pitcher Brendan Donnelly had to resort to sandpaper and pine tar to get his hitters out, not only did Frank Robinson raise holy hell and get Donnelly removed from the game, but he also tried to beat the shit out of Angels’ skipper Mike Scioscia when he gave him some lip about it. And in case you’re not keeping score, Scioscia’s about 25 years younger and 50 lbs bigger than Frank Robinson.

So how does baseball reward such a highly regarded former player and manager? By sticking him in charge of a league-owned, Jim Bowden-run, former Expos franchise that plays its home games in a fucking soccer stadium.

Your welcome, Frank. Thanks for all the good years.

Much has been made of the Alfonso Soriano situation the last few days, and while Soriano is an idiot for being insubordinate and not sucking it up and doing what he needs to do to collect his $62,000 per game salary, General Manager Jim Bowden is equally clueless for trading for a second baseman and banking on the fact that he can be a left fielder. Hey Jim, why don’t you hire me to repair your car? Or grab the wino outside the stadium to fly the team plane? Hell, why don’t you hire Isaiah Thomas to be your assistant? Jim Bowden is a perfect example of Baseball’s Good Ol’ Boys’, errrrrr Good Ol’ White Boys’ club. The same shitty managers and executives keep getting recycled from team to team whenever there’s a need while guys like Ozzie Guillen have to wait for the scraps from the Country Club Kitchen. Or they’ll pass them up for retarded white people like Paul Depodesta.

Bowden gave big contracts Vinny Castilla, who’s since left for San Diego, and Cristian Guzman, who’s since forgotten how to play baseball worth a shit. He made the aforementioned Soriano trade which makes a ton of sense since they’ll be paying a guy $10M to play out of position in a horrible hitters’ park and who’s eligible for free agency next year. It might make some shred of sense if Soriano was a piece that was going to put this club over the top, but they’re playing in the same division as the Mets, Braves and Phillies, their ace looks like he just ate Bartolo Colon and Wilson Alvarez and washed them down with Lake Erie, their 3rd baseman has all of 80 some odd days of professional experience, their right fielder has spent about 80 days on the suspended list the last couple of years, and they lost a key bullpen piece for the year in the World Baseball Classic. All I’m saying is that the $10M he’s paying Soriano could have been much better spent—like greasing some Senators’ pockets to get a stadium deal done.

The Prognosis:

They’re going to win more games than roommates DC United and they can’t be as bad as Florida. Can they? I’ll pick them 4th at 76- 86.


Tune in next week when we get to make fun of the Cubs and the Cardinals!


P.S. All those players for the Marlins I mentioned, aside from Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera are completely fictional. I just mixed up first and last names of random guys on the 40 man roster.
Bet you didn't even notice, did you? Fuck them.