Friday, July 01, 2005

A Case for Steroids

The Juice gave us a hell of a run.
I’m not talking about the catchiness of “Queen of Hearts.”
I’m not even talking about Orenthal putzing down an LA freeway in what should have been America’s best reality TV show.

Of course, I’m talking about the last 10 or so years of Major League Baseball.
Chicks dig the long ball. Not-chicks do too.
Purist can say what they will in retrospect, but it was a damned fine time watching athletic caricatures launching balls that would poop in Tiger Woods’ toilet.

But those days are gone. It’s time to clean up the act, re-level the playing field, and get back to playing the game that Billy Ashley couldn’t succeed at.

Putting aside the grandstanding legislators and political blusting, I think across the board, in everyone’s heart of hearts, they recognize that this is the right thing to do for the game. Except in one instance. There’s one guy right now who desperately needs steroids. He doesn’t need a few extra miles per hour on his fastball. He doesn’t need another two tenths of a second down the first baseline. He doesn’t need “the competitive edge” (athlete speak for “cheating”). He doesn’t even (necessarily) want another man jabbing him in his ass with a needle in the bathroom (not that there’s anything wrong with that.) He just needs an explanation and a scapegoat.

That man is Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers. (And if you’re looking for any Kenny Rogers The Country Legend jokes, I’m too old for tee ball, so move on to the next blog.)



What the fuck was Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers thinking? The guy went Tommy Lee/Sean Penn on a fat, bald cameraman who is about two heads shorter than him. And for what?
First off, Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers isn’t exactly paparazzi material. He’s a 40-year old journeyman pitcher who has a rotten attitude because he wants a contract extension. Hey asshole, why don’t you check out the track record of starting pitchers in their forties who aren’t named Clemens or Johnson and take a wild fucking guess why they don’t want to give you an extension?

Second off, the cameraman wasn’t dangling from a tree outside Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers’ home or lurking in the bushes. He was standing by the first base dugout at Arlington Stadium, fully credentialed, doing his job.

Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers had been doing the wise thing, for both himself and the public. He decided to go on media strike. A win-win for sure. We didn’t have to read about the contract bitchings of a douchebag and the beat writers didn’t have to bother to ask any questions about it.

But for some reason Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers went ape-shit on Joe Cameraman not once, but twice, knocking the guy’s camera out of his hands, re-aggravating a couple of the camera guy’s previous injuries (*cough cough* allegedly), earning himself a 20 game suspension, and the ridicule and loss of respect from millions.

Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers, here is my advice to you:

Go down to Gold’s Gym. Find the guy who’s still wearing the Zubazz pants, the fanny pack, and the pony-tailed mullet and have him shoot you full of the harded, nastiest ‘roids he’s got on him.
Get yourself tested. Get caught. Get apologetic.

There is absolutely no excuse for being the grade A, class 1 motherfucker that you were to that cameraman. Except one: “The ‘Roids made me do it!”

Roid Rage. It’s the perfect alibi.

Hell, give your old lady a black eye and clog the pores on your back intentionally if you gotta, but for god sakes man, you had better have been on The Juice for the complete dickhattery that you put on display.

Unless you’re just one of those jock pricks who gets off on picking on guys half their size. But you probably would have grown out of that, let’s see, like 22 years ago? Wouldn’t you?

But ‘Roids or No ‘Roids, you’re a complete fucking asshole, Kenny Rogers of the Texas Rangers. I hope next month when you’re unsuspended, and you’re down in the bullpen warming up, that other psycho asshole from the Rangers launches a folding chair and breaks your stupid fucking asshole nose.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tiger probably has like a diamond-encrusted, platinum toilet.

4:36 PM  

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