Joe Morgan is a Fish-Taco Loving Asshole.

I was watching ESPN’s telecast of the Dodgers/Nationals game last night and had to suffer through Joe Morgan’s color commentary. I’ll come right out and say that I have an axe to grind with Morgan.
A few years back, my friend The Rick and I were cruising around the concourse at Bank One Ballpark before a game and we saw Mr. Morgan walking as well. He was hitting up every concession stand, frantically asking where he could score some fish tacos. Either Joe Morgan really, really, really likes fish tacos or “fish tacos” is the new street name for crack or heroin or something, because Joe Morgan needed his fish taco fix and he needed it now.

Sorry to break it to you Joe, but they don’t sell fish tacos, crack, or heroin at the BOB. Maybe across the street in the warehouse district.

Well, The Rick and I were like, “Wow, check it out, there’s Hall of Famer, Joe Morgan!”
So as he’s walking by us, drooling, obsessed with lightly breaded cod filets topped with cabbage, lime, and salsa wrapped in a soft corn tortilla, we tried to strike up a casual conversation with him.
“Hey Mr. Morgan, welcome to Phoenix, how’s it goin?”
Joe Morgan stopped, rolled his eyes at us, turned on a dime and stormed off in the other direction.
I wish I’d have had the presence of mind to shout “Go shove a fish taco up your stupid ass” or something to that effect, but I didn’t.
I did write a formal, polite letter to ESPN expressing my dissatisfaction with the professionalism of their broadcasting employee, to which I never got a response.

Well, years later, Joe Morgan has picked up 2 Sports Emmys. I know this because they brought a cake up to the broadcast booth last night to celebrate it. It was chocolate, with white frosting I think. Not a fish taco in sight. Sorry, Asshole.
Joe Morgan, in his effort to be humble said how honored he was to win the award over the other nominees who included John Madden and Cris Collinsworth. Quite the accomplishment, Asshole.

It’s clear to me that winning a Sports Emmy is like winning a Gold Glove—it doesn’t quite denote the accomplishments that it’s supposed to. I think the Sports Emmy voters just give it to the guy who was actually the best player in their heyday, because it’s clear that they’ve never listened to Joe Morgan’s commentary.

Last night, he couldn’t shut his fish taco hole about Livan Hernandez slowing his arm down to throw his changeup. It was a good catch the first time. I didn’t notice it myself. Livan Hernandez probably threw about 20 changeups last night and good ol’ Joe Morgan informed us Every. Single. Time. that “Boy, that’s weird, I’ve never noticed Livan Hernandez slowing his arm speed to throw his changeup.”

Talk about a one-trick pony.

Make that two tricks. Joe Morgan also informed us about 17 time that Dodger starter Odalis Perez was perilously close to balking on his move to first. Since he never got called for it, I’d say that’s just a good move to first base, Asshole.

Aside from Joe Morgan’s banal commentary and less-than-insightful, repetitive “analysis,” he made a bid for getting his precious Sports Emmy ripped out of his fishy smelling paws when he decided to chime in on Nationals outfielder Jose Guillen’s situation last year.
For anyone that doesn’t know, last year, in the final month of the season, Jose Guillen (then of the Anaheim Angels) was lifted for a pinch runner by his manager, Mike Scioscia. Well Jose Guillen is too good to be lifted for a pinch runner and he returned to the dugout, spiked his helmet at Scioscia (“He claims he was throwing it towards where the helments go”—thanks, Asshole), then lit into him during a profanity-laced tirade that extended to the clubhouse.
What did the Angels do? Well thank crap they suspended him for the remainder of the season, the playoffs, then cut his stupid ass loose, which is why he ended up in Washington.
Joe Morgan says that the Angels cheated the other 25 players and their fans by getting rid of Guillen, because “it didn’t give them their best shot to advance in the postseason.”
Let me make 2 things abundantly clear to you, Joe Morgan, you Former-Player-Now-Shilling-For-A-Current-Player:

1. Last postseason, the Angels got the shit swept out of them by Boston in the first round. Boston was the team of destiny. Having Ted Williams, Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, and Franklin Stubbs in the Angel lineup wouldn’t have altered their fate.

2. MOST IMPORTANTLY! The Anaheim Angels didn’t cheat their team and their fans by cutting loose Jose Guillen. JOSE MOTHERFUCKING GUILLEN cheated his team and its fans! Jose Guillen decided to act like a childish, subordinate prick. Not Mike Scioscia, not Arte Moreno, not Wally Joyner, not Donnie Moore, not Mickey Mouse. Jose Guillen is 100% solely responsible for his actions.
Hey Joe Morgan, why don’t you turn to Jon Miller, throw your microphone at him, call him a bald, fat cracker bitchfuck, and do it all on camera. Then we’ll watch ESPN cheat you out of your third Sports Emmy.

Stay tuned to Sunday Night Baseball this week when Joe Morgan will be providing a riveting retrospective on how CBS cheated sports fans out of Jimmy the Greek’s continued insight.

Joe Morgan, you are an Asshole, but I’ve no more time to spend railing against your worthless ass.
I’m going to Rubio’s for lunch.