I've Solved the Mysteries of Humanity and I Have the Solution

I never studied philosophy in school but from time to time, I get what I consider to be “philosophical.” Millions, maybe billions of people dedicate at least some portion of their lives to following a faith or a way of life or a way of thinking—some sort of moral code or compass to guide and shape us.
Many people seem to have an innate need for something bigger than their meager existence to exist, something to validate life. People believe in higher authority as a means to figure out what life, etc. is about.

I think, deep down, we know what it’s all about.

The Christians are wrong. Jesus was a cool dude, no doubt. Hell of a rabbi. Good parabler. Hung out with the real salt-of-the-earth types and embraced them as His friends. But Christians lost sight of Jesus’ message hundreds of years ago. They keep reading the words in the Book, but they don’t know what they mean. Sorry Red Americans and others like you. That isn’t what it’s about.

Muslims? They’re wrong too. The 99% majority has allowed the 1% minority of extremists to sour the world with their corruption and hijacking of a legitimate religion.

The Catholics pray to pieces of cloth, wood, and stains on overpasses. They do get some points for being one of the firsts to politicize their organization into a real temporal power. An impressive accomplishment, but unfortunately it has fuck all to do with what life is really about.

I feel bad for the Jews, because history hasn’t treated them well. At all. There’s a little too much guilt involved in being a Jew, and far too many culinary rules to follow. As one of the founders of genital mutilation, they clearly are not right.

The Eastern “religions” are an interesting lot, but they’re too focuses on pithy little expressions, thinking an awful lot, letting people trample you with horses and other passive bullshit for me to think that they’ve got it right.

Atheists, intellectuals, scientists etc.—Let me just tell you that your elitism has the exact same polarizing effect that you think the faithful are guilty of. Reconcile the strength of people’s faith with your acceptance of only what’s proven. There can be an accepting of both.

I have a dream, and my dream is to someday see the people of the world come together and realize the truth.
And that truth, as they say, shall set us free.

I want to see everyone: Christians, Jews, Muslims, Catholics, Buddhists, Taoists, Shintoists, Hindus, Freaks, Geeks, Jerks, Pricks, Idiots, Black, White, Brown, Yellow, Blue, Red, Short, Tall, Fat, Skinny, Pretty, Ugly, Hetero, Homo, or Metro-sexual, yes—Everyone! gather together in a giant, all-encompassing worldly circle, to hold hands and put their right foot in.
And put their right foot out.
And put their right foot in.
And shake that motherfucker all about.
Do the hokey pokey, and turn ourselves around.
Because THAT, my friends, as we’ve all grown up to know, is really what it’s all about.

There can truly be world peace through the hokey pokey. Would a suicide bomber really go through with his task if he went into a café only to be welcomed into the dancing circle of people thrusting their appendages in and out of the middle? And shaking them joyously all about?

Could a death squad soldier a back-water African dictatorship really look at a hokey-pokeying circle of bushmen and possibly want to slaughter them instead of joining in?

Presidential debating and mudslinging would be a thing of the past. I want to see our politicians get their hokey-pokey on. Proper decision making and legislation will fall easily into place.

The next time you feel desperate, unhappy, depressed, helpless—like you don’t know why you’re here—get a few chums together. Gather together. Put your whole self in. Take your whole self out.

You see. That’s what it’s all about.