Thursday, March 30, 2006

Opening day is less than a week away, so let’s finish off the National League previews, in order of last year’s finish:


1. St. Louis Cardinals 2005 Record 100-62 (805RS, 634RA)

The Breakdown:

Boy do I hate the Cardinals. I hate the Cardinals so much I don’t even know where to start. From the uber-pretentious, self-appointed title of “The Greatest Fans in Baseball” to Tony Larussa being an arrogant piece of shit, to Mark McGwire juicing Roger Maris out of the record book and sticking Maris’ family in the front row to watch it, to powder blue uniforms, to listening to whining about Don Denkinger’s call (especially since the Cardinals thought the call was “No game tomorrow” ‘cause the sons of bitches didn’t even show up in game 7). You pricks realize you haven’t won the World Series since 1982, right? The Royals have won the World Series more recently. And the Marlins and Twins twice each. But you listen to a Cardinal fan carry on and you’d think they were the Yankees. As much as one hates the Yankees, you don’t have any choice but to respect them. The Cardinals just think everyone owes them respect.

The good news for people that hate the Cardinals is that they got worse during the offseason. The bad news is that nobody in their division got better enough to beat their asses on a consistent basis. The Cardinals will score plenty of runs, especially if Lex Luthor Larussa is able to scribble Albert Pujols’ name on his lineup card with any regularity. Albert Pujols isn’t even playing the same game as everyone else. He’s so far better than 99% of major leaguers you can’t even compare him to anyone. He’s the Anti-Brain Dead Carribean Hitter Hacking at Slop Nightly. He’s what Vlad Guerrero would be if he had any control over the strike zone. The only thing you worry about with Pujols is that there’s no way he’s as young as he claims to be. Danny Almonte looked more like a Little Leaguer than Pujols looks 26.
It’s the lineup around him that’s more suspect than in recent years. Larry Walker’s retirement left a big hole that the signing of Juan Encarnacion didn’t come close to filling. Reggie Sanders was a pro’s pro in left and the combination of Larry Bigbie and So Taguchi probably won’t match his production on the field or in the locker room. Jim Edmonds is 36 and has recently reported that he’s having so many problems with his arm, that he can’t even feel his forearm But it is Jim Edmonds, so that probably just means he’s entering an arm wrestling contest next month. Edmonds is the kind of asshole who’d light his own garage on fire just so he could run into his own house and save his kids. If Jim Edmonds was reading this, he’d wait until he had his pap smear appointment, start reading real slow, then plow through the whole column just in time to leave so he could tell his OB/GYN, “Man, I was almost late. I had to read this article, but I just barely got it finished in time!”

Normally, when a team loses Mark Gruzielanek, you’d consider that addition by subtraction, but STL replaced him with former juicemonster, Junior Spivey. Spivey’s played so well this spring that LaRussa may use Aaron Miles at 2nd and LaRussa is the polar opposite of a Catholic priest when it comes to liking young guys. Scott Rolen hasn’t been the same since he ran into Mt. Hee Seop Choi at first base last year. A lot is riding on his busted shoulder. David Eckstein is solid at short and is like a Bizzaro Danny Ainge of Baseball—the guy you hate until he’s on your team. Except you didn’t like Ainge because he was a dirty prick. Eckstein you don’t like because he looks like he should be sweeping the floors at McDonalds and all he does is get big hits. The Cards have some Molina catching for them. I don’t know which one, and frankly, I don’t care. There are so many Molina brothers running around baseball, the Zendejases are shipping their parents a crate of rubbers.

The Cardinals have a strong rotation fronted by Cy Young award winner Chris Carpenter and former Oakland co-ace Mock Mota. Jeff Suppan and Jason Marquis combined for over 400 innings last year. Accomplished wino and batterer Sidney Ponson made the rotation out of camp and is allegedly pitching with a chip on his shoulder since he’s no longer the biggest joke from Aruba. The bullpen is missing some pieces, but with a proven closer in Isringhausen and Braden Looper getting out of NY, they’ll be good enough.

The Prognosis:

As much as I hate these fuckers, there’s no one else in this division ready to win 90 games. Therefore, they’ll finish first again at 93-69. But they’re still fornicators with small woodland creatures .

2. Houston Astros 2005 record 89-73 (693RS, 609RA)

The Breakdown:

If the Astros season goes in the shitter, and it very well might, you can start by thanking cheapass Drayton McLane. While most teams were busy filling holes on their roster, McLane was busy making sure his team didn’t offer arbitration to Roger Clemens and trying to convince the best player in franchise history to hang up his cleats so he could shift the financial responsibility of a guaranteed contract to an insurance company. And then you can thank Roger Clemens. The 6’4” 235 pounder might be one of the greatest ever. But he’s also a huge cockteasing attention whore whose focus is to solidify his own legacy and make a shit load of money being a gate attraction. The guy’s been burned in effigy in Boston, yet his agents are sniffing around for money at Fenway. He played the “I’m Retiring” card in New York for all it was worth, until he got almost $20M a year from Houston to unretire and now he’s feeling out the boss. The guy’s even flirting with the Rangers because he knows how retarded they are with money. I mean, if Chan Ho Park is worth $60M, he might get 3 billions dollars and an ownership stake from Tom Hicks.
The problem is that Clemens doesn’t have enough left in the tank to make it through a whole season—even one in which he skips the first month. He had provisions in his last contract that basically let him come and go as he pleased and he still looked absolutely gassed last October. Don’t get me wrong, what he did last regular season at his age was nothing short of legendary. But to invest such a sizeable percentage of payroll into a guy whose loyalty’s been bought and sold repeatedly. is going to be at least a month late to work, and is clearly on the wrong side of forty seems foolish to me. Unless you’re just trying to sell tickets. And if that’s the case, why not just throw a bearded lady or the Rally Monkey into your rotation?

The Bagwell fiasco was an abomination. How the guy has taken as high a road as he has is beyond me. Are the Astros the first team to get burned on a guaranteed contract? Hell to the no. Suck it up and move on. To deprive the face of your franchise. a strong candidate for the Hall of Fame, and a guy who busted his ass just to get in some semblance of shape that he might be able to lift a bat and pinch hit a couple times last September the chance to see if he’s got enough left to go for one more season is a disgrace. And for what? Money. Some things are more important. And if McLane could unhook his lips from Roger Clemens right ass-cheek for 20 minutes, he might see that.

But whether Clemens or Bagwell come or go, don’t look for Houston to be back in the postseason. The lineup has too many holes and question marks. Wily Taveras could probably beat David Wells to the head of the buffet line—no small feat—but a .325 OBP from the leadoff spot is worse than woeful, especially since he only stole 34 bases when he managed to make it on base. There just isn’t any pop in his bat. Not that it matters since his popless bat rarely comes in contact with the baseball. The best case scenario here is that he goes Bump Bailey up the hill and into flagpole in the opening series and spends the season in a post-concussion support group with Eric Lindross and Troy Aikman. Morgan Ensberg had a decent year last year, but has been inconsistent one year to the next. And if he doesn’t duplicate his success, there’s literally no one to protect Lance Berkman in the order. Berkman missed an entire month but still managed to lead the league in Aw Shucks Likeability and bad cholesterol. Nice job, Lance. But unless the league votes to allow ghost men, there isn’t going to be anyone on base ahead of him to drive in. Adam Everett and Brad Ausmus are serviceable major leaguers, but throwing them out there every day gives opponents 6-9 free outs a game.

Lost amongst the congregation at the Church of Clemens is that Roy Oswalt is simply amazing. If he’s healthy, he wins 20 games. It’s automatic. Andy Pettite, though, is already starting to bitch about retirement and Brandon Backe just isn’t that good. If Clemens isn’t in this rotation, the Astros better break their retractable roof and pray for a hell of a lot of rain. Especially if Brad Lidge doesn’t round back into shape. There’s no reason to think he won’t. He’s saying all the right things. But melting down under the bright lights of the postseason can really fuck you up. If Lidge ends up more Byung Hyun Kim than Mariano Rivera, there’s not much behind him to fall back on.

The Prognosis:

The also-rans of this division are closing the talent gap, fast. The Astros won’t score enough runs to contend. In fact, they aren’t going to score enough runs to finish higher than 4th at 75-87.

3. Milwaukee Brewers 2005 Record 81-81 (726RS, 697RA)

The Breakdown:

The Brewers didn’t finish last? The Brewers finished .500? Congratulations you cheesehead, low-expectation-having pricks. It’s to be expected though. I think the last team that won anything in Milwaukee was Ricky Vaughan and Jake Taylor’s Indians while they pretended County Stadium was Cleveland Muni.
The Brew Crew have finally assembled some young talent but unless the new ownership group is willing to loosen the purse strings and not invest 20% of their payroll in people like Geoff Jenkins, their window of opportunity to win 82 games will close faster than a Miller Park chili stuffed bratwurst can make it from your mouth to your asshole.

Milwaukee has actually become somewhat of a trendy pick to make a postseason push this year. They’re loaded around the infield with Ricky Weeks, JJ Hardy and trendy Rookie of the Year pick Prince Fielder. Fielder’s best days may lie ahead in the AL, because he’s more likely to draw comparisons to Abdullah the Butcher in the field than Keith Hernandez, but it looks like he got some of daddy Cecil’s mashing DNA. He’ll need to bring the thunder since the team traded Lyle Overbay, one of last year’s offensive bright spots to make room for him. New 3rd baseman Corie Koskie came over in that deal (a deal in which Milwaukee didn’t get enough back) and secretly, or not so secretly, Brewer fans have got to be hoping he lands on the DL right about, umm, now to get some more AB’s for Bill Hall.
Around the outfield are the aforementioned money pit Geoff Jenkins, Brady Clark and Carlos Lee. Lee had a monster year last year and Clark was solid. The Brewers definitely have the potential to score runs in bunches, but should see a ton of rally killing whiffs and double plays.

Milwaukee could have one of the more underrated rotations pending the health of Ben Sheets. They locked him up as a franchise pitcher only to see him go down towards the end of last season. Without him in front of it, the rotation quickly looks pedestrian. Chris Capuano won 18 games last year, but his H/9, BB and HR were all high so unless he corrects those, his luck should balance out this year.
The bullpen is average. Derrick Turnbow saved a bunch of games last year, but getting him the ball with the lead could be an issue. Former Brewer closer and Atlanta Brave washout Dan Kolb returns for another tour of duty but doesn’t miss a lot of bats and raises questions in the set up role.

The Prognosis:

I think Milwaukee is still at least a year away from being any sort of real threat to the postseason. The inexperience will play a factor, as well as the lack of depth should anyone go down for an extended period of time. Enjoy another .500 season at 81-81 and an identical third place finish. You still have to be in Milwaukee though, suckers.


4. Chicago Cubs 2005 Record 79-83 (703RS, 714RA)

The Breakdown:

What hurts a Cubs fan most? Watching Boston break their octadecadeal championship drought or all the cuts, scratches and bruises they got leaping onto the White Sox bandwagon? I mean, Hawk and Wimpy were like the only White Sox fans on the planet until about 8 months ago. Now everyone claims they’ve been a Sox fan since birth, even though they wouldn’t drive their Mercedes SUV through the south side of Chicago if it was being pulled by The Flash. But enough about a good baseball team, this preview is about the Cubs.

I’ll give the Cubs some credit: They blew Prior and Wood out so early this year they actually have a game plan that doesn’t depend on either one of them seeing the field any time soon. You can teach a really stupid animal not to do something pretty quickly by busting it on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Maybe someone ought to try that with the Cubs’ front office. Perhaps a rolled up Chicago Sun Times sports section with a headline that reads “Prior to DL, Again” or “Wood Shelved With Sore Shoulder.” When exactly do you figure out that some guys are durable and some guys are injury prone? Kerry Wood already reached his peak, morons. In his first start. It was bound to be down hill from there. He’s got the fastball of Nolan Ryan but his body is made out of the same stuff Sam Bowie’s legs are. And Prior doesn’t even look like he gives a shit. He’s Captain I’m So Mature for My Age and looks about as happy to be playing ball as a 30 year old guy getting ready to get a circumcision from Stevie Wonder using a hedge trimmer. Yet year after year, these guys land on the shelf, fans shake their heads, and the team fails to live up to expectations.

This year, hopefully, Carlos Zambrano will start getting the run he deserves. Instead of worrying about how many starts Puss and Pussier are missing, Cubbie fans ought to be flocking to the ones Zambrano is making. Zambrano has the stuff to be very, very special and a #1 guy for a long time. He’ll take the pressure off the rest of the rotation, with or without its more fragile components. Glendon Rusch looks like he’ll be a starter this year and with HOF’r Maddux behind him, it gives the Cubs a different look day to day. The rotation should chew up innings and the bullpen isn’t half bad. Ryan Dempster could turn out to be yet another failed starter turned outstanding closer. He saved 33 out of 35 chances last year. The Cubs threw big contracts at Bobby Howry and Scott Eyre and if they earn them, the bullpen could easily turn out to be the strength of the club.

The Corey Patterson experiment is finally over and Juan Pierre is the new, better suited, centerfielder and lead off man. He should easily score 120+ runs with Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez chasing him in. Lee had a breakout year and probably won’t be a legitimate triple crown threat, but he should still go for 30-100 as should Ramirez provided he’s healthy. Rookie Matt Murton is going to be given the left field job and hit well in a look last season. Jacque Jones won’t make anyone forget Sammy Sosa’s best years in right, but neither did Jeromy Burnitz. Michael Barrett hit 16 bombs and drove in 61 last year which was good enough to make the USA World Baseball Classic team, but not Italy’s.

The Prognosis:

For some reason, I’m high on the Cubs. There should be low expectations, especially since the far better team is playing on the other side of town, and this group of personalities might be better suited to playing out of the limelight. I think the Cubs will surprise and finish second, a game better than the Brewers at 83-81. Place your bets now on the date Dusty Baker decides to have Zambrano go both ends of a double header.


5. Cincinnati Reds 2005 Record 73-89 (820RS, 889RA)

The Breakdown:

Did you know that only 3 teams in baseball and no teams in the National League scored more runs than the Reds last year? Did you know that only 2 teams in baseball and no teams in the National League allowed more runs than the Reds last year? The air might be rarified in Colorado, but apparently the ballpark is just too damned small in Cincinnati.
The Reds, after gaining new ownership, are obviously in a transition stage in the front office. It’s a good thing there’s a feasible excuse for after a couple of years of dicking around with their overcrowded outfield situation, they finally deal Willy Mo Pena for Brandon Arroyo. The Reds didn’t really need Pena since they obviously know how to score runs, but Brando Arroyo? Arroyo isn’t going to make anyone forget about Jose Rijo, but he may get people to forget that Eric Milton served up 40 gopherballs last year, because he might double that. I mean, was Jose Lima not available?
There’s no reason why the Reds staff won’t give up close to as many runs as they gave up last year. Aaron Harang is a solid #3 guy, but he’s the best the Reds have. And that’s not good. And when the starters aren’t around after 3 or 4 innings, the bullpen is full of gas cans, retreads, and never-will-be’s.

And that was the good news. The bad news is that the Reds lineup isn’t anywhere near as potent as it was last year. Joe Randa and Sean Casey are gone, turning the corners over to Edwin Encarnacion and Scott Hatteberg. Hatteberg, of course, is best known for having a whole chapter of a bestselling book written about him. It was a very insightful book and really opened some eyes around baseball. You might have heard of it, it’s called “How to Justify a Roster Spot for a Shitty White Stiff.” I don’t care how many times Hatteberg is going to walk because unless he’s batting ahead of Dunn or Griffey Jr., he isn’t going to get driven in. Encarnacion is best known for having 5 syllables in his last name.
You have to genuinely feel bad for Griffey Jr. He took a below-market contract to play at home when he was the biggest name in the game and was rewarded for it by having his legs turn into cheap stemware. There’s plenty left in Griffey’s bat though. He delivered 35 bombs in only 128 games last year. The Reds might be wise to use him as sparingly this year if they can get that kind of production.
Adam Dunn is one of the best sluggers in the game. He’s what Rob Deer and Pete Incaviglia could have been. The guy does whiff. A lot. But he also walks a lot. And he could easily hit 50 HR.
Felipe Lopez, who I discovered is not the same guy that played basketball at St. Johns, thought he was hot shit, then ended up in the Mexican League or something, Tony Womack, Rich Aurilia, and town drunk Ryan Freel will combine for most of the rest of the AB’s. Told you this was the bad news.

The Prognosis:

There will be better days ahead in The Nati, just not many this year. The Reds are gonna finish dead, stinkin’ last at 71-91. And I hope Joe Morgan agonizes over every single loss. That prick.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates 2005 Record 67-95 (680RS, 769RA)

I was fortunate enough to be able to sit down with new Pirates skipper Jim Tracy to talk about his expectations for the upcoming season. Here’s how it went down.

Me: Mr. Tracy, thanks a lot for taking the time to sit down with someone who very often ridiculed you under his breath and publicly during your tenure with the Dodgers. Tell me a little about your decision to take the position with the Pirates.

JT: Well, if you’re asking me if it was a tough choice choosing between a minor league gig in Butthump, Arkansas or a big league job in a town where your lungs burn of acrid, steel smoke and the ladies’ idea of night-out attire is a Ben Rothlisberger jersey and stirrup pants, then the answer is ‘yes.’ It was a tough decision. But am I excited for the opportunity to play all the percentages to the letter with only 13 fans to care if I manage us out of 4 ballgames a week? You bet I am.

Me: Um. Ok. How are you feeling about your lineup this year?

JT: Do we have some holes? Sure we do. Are we doing the best we can with a payroll lower than the average household income in Flint, Michigan? Of course we are. Does that mean we have to acquire horrible players like our right fielder? You’re damned right. Am I excited to watch that Canadian guy play left field? I’d have to say the answer is yes. Do I think Joe Randa deserves a job in the big leagues? Maybe not, but we have to work with what we have to work with. Is watching Sean Casey run windsprints about as fun as watching two old people fuck? I’m inclined to say ‘yes.’

Me: Jim, you’re beginning to frighten me. How’s the pitching staff look? Were you excited to be able to bring over your old pitching coach, Jim Colborn?

JT: Is our staff the youngest in the league? Yes it is, but we’ve got some good arms down there. Do I wish we had a couple Japanese guys since Colby speaks Japanese? Of course I do, I mean look at how Kaz Ishii turned out. Could I tell you the first name of anyone in the bullpen? Or the last name if it wasn’t on the back of their jersey? Well, I thought really hard about this and the answer is ‘no.’ Do I make beat reporters jobs really easy? Of course I do, I have to be good at something other than having a really weird, stern jaw.

Me: Last question Trace, how are the Buccos gonna do this year and does anyone actually give a shit?

JT: Are we gonna finish last? The answer is no. Is Cincinnati a worse ball club than we are? By a slim margin, the answer is yes. Can we win 90 games? It’s only noon, so I’m not quite drunk enough to say ‘yes’ to that. Will we finish 5th? Probably. Is a record of 75-87 something we can achieve? You bet your booty.

Me: That’s all the time I have Mr. Tracy. You’re a really weird fucking guy.

JT: You punk.

1 Comments:

Blogger maryjanejeff said...

Hey, Scott Hatteburg has as liegtimate claim to fame, jerky. He's the only player in MLB history to hit a grand slam and hit into a triple play in the same game. I know. I checked. I was at the game when he did it. It was August something, 2001, the last time I set foot in Fenway Park.

12:08 PM  

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